


Hate That I Love You

by Influxus



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-17
Updated: 2012-11-17
Packaged: 2017-11-19 00:19:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/566939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Influxus/pseuds/Influxus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neal isn't the hero, he isn't the self-sacrificing protagonist in this tragedy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hate That I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> This starts in the middle and is sort of confusing. It was intended as a snippet of a much longer (and happier) story which I never wrote. Archie is 22 and Neal and Cook are 30 in this.

_Neal isn’t the hero, he isn’t the self-sacrificing protagonist in this tragedy._

 

“He’s not yours!” Dave shouts, his hands balled at his sides and his face red with anger. “He’ll never _be_ yours!!”

And Neal should just… Walk away, let Dave calm down, but something about the way Dave says that, like Archie’s not a person, not someone who loves star watching and can name more constellations than Neal even knew existed, someone who sings at the most random times and then laughs when he realizes what he’s doing, someone who knows what he believes in and sticks by it even if he gets mocked for it. Like Archie’s just a possession, a thing, not the incredible person Neal knows him to be, the person Archie _lets_ him see. Archie is his own man, his own person, finally, and there is no way in hell that Neal can let a comment like that slide, _no way_.

“Oh yeah?” Neal snarls back, his eyes glittering dangerously. “Well he’s not _yours_ either.”

There’s a long pause where Dave is completely and utterly still, before he calmly says, “I am going to fucking kick your ass,” and he takes a step forward as Neal bristles up to meet him, beyond ready for this confrontation. He takes about two steps before the hall lights flick on and Andy’s confused voice is asking,

“What the fuck is going on here?”

Andy and Monty are standing at the hallway door, clad in pajamas and matching looks of worry and confusion, but Neal can’t bring himself to say anything, not when he wants to punch Dave in the face so bad that his knuckles already ache from it. And Dave, Dave looks like he’s trying for calm and failing completely. 

“Dave? Neal?”

Dave finally manages to tear his gaze away from Neal and abruptly turns his back on him.

“Keep him the fuck away from me,” David snaps and roughly shoulders past Andy and Monty, stomping into his room and slamming the door behind him. 

There’s a moment of silence before Andy’s padding across the room, stopping just short of being in Neal’s space, knowing better than to touch or crowd him while he’s pissed.

“Neal, what the hell was that?”

Neal swallows, willing the haze of red to fade from his vision, breathing deeply until he feels calm enough to speak without lashing out at Andy, who has done nothing to deserve Neal’s vitriol.

“Dave’s a fucking ass, that’s what.”

“Well yeah, but you don’t usually look like you’re about to kick each other’s faces in when he’s an ass. What the hell happened?” Neal shrugs him off.

“I need to get the fuck outta here,” he says, grabbing his leather jacket and keys and heading out the door to his bike. Behind him he hears Andy say, “What the fucking fuck was that?” before the door shuts, cutting off Monty’s reply. Neal’s on his bike and heading towards the highway before he realizes he has no idea where he’s going. He’s too pissed off to go to some bar where too many people would be pushing at him, trying to talk to him. He thinks about going to Kira’s for a second, but the mood he’s in he’d be shit company and Kira doesn’t need his bullshit. And suddenly all Neal wants is to talk to Archie, to hear him talk about stars and the night sky and Greek myths that Neal already knows anyway, but sound better when Archie tells them.

He finds a shitty looking park that probably has a drug deal going down at the other end but he pulls over anyway and cuts the engine. His phone is in his back pocket and he has to search through his list of contacts before he realizes he’s put Archie under "D.A." just in case someone in the rock scene came across his phone and wonders why he has David Archuleta in his contacts. That seems stupid now, so he changes it to “Archie”, putting him just under “Andy” on his list of contacts.

He hesitates before hitting connect; it’s late, past midnight and what if Archie’s sleeping? But Archie doesn’t usually get to bed until after one and it’s not there yet, so Neal pushes the button and hopes that he’s not waking him.

It picks up on the third ring and thankfully Archie sounds fully awake, if somewhat confused when he says, “Neal?”

“Hey Archie,” Neal breathes and feels some of the tension he’s been carrying since leaving Dave’s drain away.

“Hi Neal! Is something going on? Are you okay? I mean, how are you?”

Archie’s stumbling politeness makes Neal smile and he lets out a soft laugh.

“I’m fine Arch, I’m, we’re all – fine. How are you?”

“I’m…,” Archie hesitates. “Confused? I mean, I love hearing from you, I always do but it’s kind of late? Not that it’s too late to like, talk if you want but, it’s kind of…. different? Not in a bad way,” Archie quickly backtracks. “But you don’t usually… call me? Just to ask me how I’m doing?”

Neal laughs again, but this time at himself.

“Yeah, I guess this is pretty weird. But not… Bad weird right?”

“No, not bad weird,” Archie says and it sounds like he’s smiling. “I like talking to you. What did you want to talk about?”

“Anything,” Neal says. “Talk to me about anything Archie.” And Archie does. Archie tells him about how Amber is volunteering at the local animal shelter and wants to adopt one of the dogs there, how Claudia started seeing this really nice guy but she doesn’t want Archie telling anyone in the family because the guy is Jewish and she doesn’t think their parents will approve, and about the latest concert Archie and some of his friends went to and the latest concert Archie did, at the Children’s Hospital, for charity. 

He talks about the songs he’s working on now, how much he loves songwriting and how glad he is that he’s doing it more, that they’re _letting_ him do it more. He talks about who he’s working with, rattling off a list of names that Neal mostly recognizes until Neal fakes hurt that Archie hasn’t asked him to write a song with and then laughs when Archie stumbles out an apology, sobering when Archie hesitantly explains that he didn’t ask because he didn’t think that Neal would _want_ to write a song with him. Neal tells him that anyone who wouldn’t want to write with Archie is a fucking moron and assures him that he would love to write anything with Archie, be it a song, a poem, a short story, a limerick or the next great American novel. And as a matter of fact, book him for the next available date that Archie’s in LA, because Neal is snatching him up before anyone else can. Archie laughs at that and Neal can’t stop smiling.

Archie tells him about the latest movie he went to see and how his management is making him and Selena Gomez go to some awards show together, but it’s cool because Selena’s really awesome and Archie likes her a lot. 

“Are you guys going out?” Neal asks and Archie sighs.

“No, I mean, I think our management wants us too, but I don’t really know her that well and it’s just so… Forced I guess. I mean, I wouldn’t mind, I like her, but I don’t know her, you know?”

“Most people date to get to know the other person better,” Neal points out and he can practically hear Archie’s shrug.

“I guess, but I want to know someone, be friends with them beforehand, before dating them you know? That’s sort of the way I’ve always pictured it I guess.”

“Really?” Neal asks, because Archie usually never talks about relationship stuff, in fact this is the first time Neal can ever recall Archie ever bringing something like this up on his own. 

“Yeah and I know that maybe it’s not going to happen that way, maybe not anymore, not realistically. But I guess I always sort of wanted it to be like that,” Archie says and he sounds so matter of fact about it that Neal wants to reassure him that that’s absolutely possible, that Archie is going to find the love of his life in the circle of friends he already has, but the words stick in his throat as he thinks of Dave, eyes blazing, ready to throw down with one of his best friends because Neal had the audacity to say that Archie wasn’t his. He feels a chill run down his spine and shakes it off, determined not to be reminded of Dave and how badly he wants to punch him still.

His resolve is somewhat tested as Archie realizes, with an embarrassed gasp, that he spent this whole time talking about himself and that was so rude and oh my gosh Neal why didn’t you stop me?! 

“I hear myself talk everyday Archie,” Neal says. “I’d much rather listen to you when I get the chance.”

Archie laughs and Neal smiles. Archie isn’t deterred though and he starts asking about Andy and Monty and Kyle and Dave (“They’re fine,” Neal says evasively) and how Kira’s doing (which Neal answers much more enthusiastically) and what Neal’s up to (“Booze, woman and song Archie.” “Isn’t that supposed to be _wine, women_ and song?” “Well yeah, but I don’t discriminate with alcohol and Kira would have my balls if I went after other women.”)

And then Archie’s asking about Dave and the band again, what they’re doing and Neal’s… He talks briefly about the stuff they’re working on, but he can’t stop thinking about Dave, the look on his face when Neal said Dave didn’t know Archie anymore, how angry and how _jealous_ he looked. It makes him think of one of the songs Dave wrote, one of the ones about anger and want and doing the right thing, about how much it was about Archie and he never realized it until _right now_. And then he starts realizing how many of the other songs Dave has written in the last two years are about Archie, about Dave and how completely fucked he is over this kid and Neal never saw it, _no one ever saw it._

“Neal?” Archie says and Neal realizes that he’s been silent for the last minute.

“Stay away from Cook,” Neal says without thinking.

“What?” Archie asks, confusion and concern clear in his voice. “What do you mean? Why? What’s going on?”

“It’s nothing,” Neal lies and contemplates bashing his head against the handlebars of his bike. 

“It’s not nothing Neal. You – what aren’t you telling me?”

“I can’t – I can’t tell you,” Neal chokes out. “I shouldn’t have told you. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not some kid anymore,” Archie says and he sounds angry. “Calling me up in the middle of the night, telling me to stay away from Cook, what is going on with you guys?”

“He’s,” Neal stops and starts over. “Have you listened to the last two albums he’s put out?”

“Yeah of course,” Archie says and at least he doesn’t sound angry anymore, just confused.

“A lot didn’t make the albums. I should send some of the stuff to you. I think you should listen to them.”

“Neal,” Archie starts but Neal cuts him off.

“Please Archie. Just, I’ll send them to you tonight and just, listen to them. And call me back, tell me what you think.”

“Okay Neal,” Archie says, his voice soft and Neal bites at his lip rings.

“Thanks Arch. It was great talking to you, but I gotta get back and you should probably get some sleep. It was – really good to hear you again.”

Archie huffed out a laugh.

“Whatever old man, more like you need to find your bed before you pass out.”

“Sassy Arch, very sassy. I like it.”

“You are so weird Neal.”

“But not bad weird.”

“Not bad weird, right,” Archie’s voice softens and Neal presses his phone closer to his ear. “It was great to talk to you Neal. I miss you guys, I miss _you_.”

Neal swallows thickly.

“I miss you too Archie. Next time you’re in LA, I’m stealing you, so we can write that next great American novel.”

“Okay,” Archie says. “Goodnight Neal.”

“Goodnight Archie,” Neal says and clicks the phone shut. The night air is balmy and some people are walking down the streets, singing drunkenly and badly. It’s later than Neal thought, after two, and he’s suddenly tired. He guns the engine of his bike and heads back towards Dave’s house in the hills. 

Andy’s waiting for him in the living room, flipping through channels, and looks up when Neal comes in. 

“You okay man?” he asks, clicking the TV off and turning towards Neal. 

“Yeah, I’m fine now. Is Dave..?”

“Still in his room. You gonna tell me what the hell happened?”

“Later.” Neal looks down at his oldest friend, in his crumpled pajama bottoms with his hair falling into his eyes and decides, yeah. 

“Hey Andy, I need you to listen to some songs, some of the ones we cut from the last two albums.”

“Okay?” Andy says, confusion clearly written across his face. 

He and Neal spend the next three hours on the floor of the living room, listening to all the songs David Cook wrote about David Archuleta. By the time the sun is rising, streaking across the floor and nearly blinding Neal and Andy’s tired eyes, Neal has put together a ten song playlist for Archie out of the hundred or so rejected songs for the two last albums and Andy doesn’t look any more illuminated. If anything, he looks slightly resigned, which is an odd look on him, as it’s typically the other way around, with Neal resigned to Andy’s insanity. 

Neal takes the songs, the ones most about how incredibly fucked up Dave is over Archie, the ones about love and possession and hate and anger, the dark ones that freaked Neal out a little bit even when he didn’t know they were about a particular person, were about _Archie_ , and he sends them to Archie with a header that says _Dave wrote all of these_. 

“Who are sending those to?” Andy asks, peering over Neal’s shoulder at his computer.

“Archie,” Neal replies and there’s a sharp intake of breath behind him. Neal turns around and Andy’s eyes are wide with realization and he’s biting his lip. Andy was always pretty quick on the uptake.

”Oh shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Is that what you were - ?”

“Yes. Sort of. I didn’t get it, until I was talking to Archie and then – yeah I got it.” Neal shakes his head a little and Andy still looks shocked.

“But these were - this one is like, two years old! He can’t of - how did I miss this, how did _we_ miss this?”

“Would you have thought to look?” Neal asks and Andy lowers his eyes.

“None of us did. Why would we?"

"Wait!” Andy says, looking panicked. “You can’t send that to Archie! What if he realizes?!”

“That’s the point, Skib. And I’ve already sent them.”

“Why would you do that?” Andy looks horrified now. “Not just to Arch, but to Dave too? This isn’t your business Tiemann, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

“You didn’t hear the way Dave was talking about Archie earlier,” Neal snaps, frustrated. “He was talking about him like he owned him or something! Like Archie was his!”

“He’s not yours either!” Andy snaps back and Neal sees red, grabbing Andy’s shirt collar without thinking. Andy’s hand comes up to carefully wrap around Neal’s’ wrist. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing Neal?” he asks softly and Neal blinks as the red fades from his vision and he slowly releases Andy.

“Archie’s not - he’s not anyone’s,” Neal says shakily. “He’s his own man and Dave, the way Dave was talking - Archie has to know. So he can be careful around Dave. So he won’t get hurt.”

“And what about you?” Andy asks, dark eyes serious. “Does Archie need to be careful around you too?”

Neal’s fist connects with Andy’s face almost before Neal even realizes it. Andy hisses sharply and cradles his cheek as Neal stands up, furiously jabbing a finger at Andy. 

“Fuck you Skib. Don’t you _ever_ fucking suggest something like that again. I would _never_ hurt Arch, _never_ , and fuck you for suggesting that.”

“For fuck’s sake, neither would Dave!” Andy shouts. “You know Dave! You know he would never hurt Archie, never hurt anyone! What the fuck is wrong with you?! How the hell could you even _think_ something like that?!”

“You didn’t hear him!” Neal shouts back and Andy shakes his head in disbelief. 

“I don’t need to hear him, I’ve known him for ten fucking years Neal, and so have you! Would you stop and fucking _think_ for a second! Why are you acting like this?!”

“Because Archie’s my friend!”

“So is Dave!!” Andy screams and that stops Neal short. Andy is breathing heavily, his hair falling into his face and his cheek is already starting to redden. 

“You see?” Andy pants, brushing the hair out of his eyes. “Do you get it?”

“I’m not in love with Archie,” Neal says dumbly, like saying it will make it true. 

“Fuck you Neal Tiemann,” Andy snaps and storms out of the room. Neal sinks down onto the couch and just sits there, numb. 

“What’s going on?” Monty asks from the hallway but Neal can’t bring himself to move or even turn around and look at him. “Is everyone alright?”

Neal doesn’t say anything and he hears Monty turn away and walk off, presumably in the direction Andy went. Neal is frozen. He doesn’t want to think. But he can’t stop remembering sitting on that rooftop with Archie, Archie pointing out the stars and constellations, telling him the stories behind them, or Archie hugging him for the first time, his laugh and his smile and his rambling way of speaking. 

Why did he get so angry when Dave said that Archie wasn’t his? Why did he bait Dave by saying Dave didn’t know Archie anymore? Why did he react the way he did when he realized that Dave has been in love with Archie for two years, maybe more, and still is? Andy’s not wrong, he knows Dave wouldn’t hurt Archie, even the songs he wrote and sang about what he felt for Arch, the darkest ones where he sang about how much he hated that he loved someone who would never be his, hated them ( _Archie_ ) for making Dave feel this way, for torturing him, there was never anything violent about it. Just sadness, deep, deep sadness and hopelessness and denial. But not violence. Never violence. 

So why? Is Neal in love with Archie? He doesn’t know, but he feels _something_. He isn’t sure how long he’s felt this way, not as long as Dave, maybe not until he saw watched the sunrise with Archie, sitting on that rooftop in New Mexico and Archie had turned to him, illuminated by the rays of the rising sun and had said, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” and Neal had agreed, his thoughts full of star-crossed lovers and Greek tragedies. Maybe then something inside Neal had started to change and he’d pushed it aside and buried it. In many ways, Dave is a lot stronger than Neal, he at least acknowledges it and lives with it, deals with it as best he can. Neal isn’t dealing at all. 

He doesn’t know how much longer he sits there before the phone in his pocket buzzes. It’s Archie. Neal stares at it until it goes to voicemail. It buzzes again and Neal picks up on the first ring.

“Neal?” Archie says and he sounds confused and almost hurt. Neal doesn’t reply.

“Why did you send me these? I don’t – I don’t understand.”

“Don’t you?” Neal asks and he’s never said he was the better man, never said he was the noble one. That was always Dave. And Neal isn’t Dave so he says, “They’re about you. All of them. About how Dave feels about you. He loves you. Stay away from him.”

There is dead silence over the phone before he hears Archie give a small hitching breath.

“Why would you tell me this? Why? I don’t - What good could this possibly do?”

Neal thinks for a long moment, mulling it over. He thinks about the last twelve hours, about Kira, about Dave, about love and hate and desire and stars and rooftops and the rising sun.

“Because if I can’t be with you, neither can he,” Neal replies.

Neal never said he was the hero, because he isn’t.


End file.
